Haiku Wednesday: White Yankee Elephant Swap

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Festivus, and Merry Winter Solstice. However you decide to celebrate, may your gifts be better than these. And if you will be participating in what North Americans refer to as a White Elephant or Yankee Swap gift exchange, I hope you are able to stun your colleagues and constituents with gifts as random and disturbing as these.

 

Lucky Nuts Squirrel
gave up his feet for fashion.
They scratch my neck, though.

…

Domestic hero?
She represents WOMEN’S LIB!
 “Where’s my pot pie, bitch?”

…

Well, you’re a sad pair.
Don’t cry tears of da feet, just
slipper on, you two.

…

Big ‘billy Ammo:
Show ‘em all you’d go “postal”!
[Gun not included]

…

Sad Brontosaurus.
And sad writer …and reader…
*sigh*…Merry Sadmas.

…

Who invented this
robot arm to malfunction
and choke your life out?

…

Useless canine ghoul,
Someone rubbed your nose in sh**
Knick-knack, that is whack.

…

In the name of the
Holy Toast I pronounce you
buttered and tasty.

…

…

Haiku Wednesday: Photos With Santa

… And this one’s Jenny.
When I behead you girls you’ll
both be in row five.

 

Black socket Santas
trafficking confused children.
Yule wish you were safe. 

 

 Hey, Santa Wizard,
step away from the orphans
and calm your ‘stache, please.

 

 I hate sax music!
Make the imp go away, Dad!
Winter’s leprachaun!

 

 Cobwebbed Christmas trees
always unsettled Billy.
That, and killer toys.

 

 Prepped to eat Yoko,
Ogre Santa’s beard doubles
as a blood catcher.

 

Original LIFE slideshow photo source.

The Creepy Company We Keep

In 2005 my husband and I received a frantic emergency call at 9:00pm from our friends Tom and Colleen. We needed to check eBay stat!

 

What we saw put us into such hysterics of tearful laughter that it was imperative that we have this item. The intrinsic humor value was too high to pass by.

The two of us couples won the auction and split the $175 price tag with the verbal agreement of joint custody. And soon Gary the gaping mouth mannequin boy arrived.

To the “waste-of-money” chortles of both of our families, Gary’s presence has endured through two households, two weddings, Christmases, Halloweens, and various other photo opportunities. He is a giant, posable, dressable conversation piece.

When my husband and I had first visitation of Gary, we’d kept him in our living room, I’d walk into the living room from the kitchen, let’s say, and nearly pee myself because I’d forgotten about him being there – this happened 10x a day. Countless times has Gary been the pawn in practical jokes: often being quietly placed in the rooms of sleeping house guests and posed in the front room windows. Through the years his quiet bravado, sassy tilt of the head, and uncanny ability to maintain the same weight has kept us all enamored and intrigued. He’s a friend and a confidant.

Click Here To Friend Gary on Facebook!

The four of us responsible for Gary realize that his acquisition speaks more about us all then it does him. And he has served as a sort of friend litmus test as well; because hey, if you are too cool for school to hang with Gary, the rest of us probably aren’t for you, either. So this post is dedicated to that creepy mannequin art that offers jolts of surprise, laughs, raised eyebrows, and photos year after year.

Gary Lights Up the Neighborhood at Christmas

 

Gary Loves All Things Latin, Too

Guidance? Right This Way

Hes a Real Cut Up at Halloween

He is a HUGE FAN of Bob Marley

Gary is a Certified Zombie Survivalist and Lounge Pants Enthusiast

The Life of the Party

An Entertainer at Weddings

 

If you think Gary would make a good addition to your circle of friends, I’m sure he’d be delighted if you friended him on Facebook.