Haiku Wednesday: White Yankee Elephant Swap

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Festivus, and Merry Winter Solstice. However you decide to celebrate, may your gifts be better than these. And if you will be participating in what North Americans refer to as a White Elephant or Yankee Swap gift exchange, I hope you are able to stun your colleagues and constituents with gifts as random and disturbing as these.

 

Lucky Nuts Squirrel
gave up his feet for fashion.
They scratch my neck, though.

…

Domestic hero?
She represents WOMEN’S LIB!
 “Where’s my pot pie, bitch?”

…

Well, you’re a sad pair.
Don’t cry tears of da feet, just
slipper on, you two.

…

Big ‘billy Ammo:
Show ‘em all you’d go “postal”!
[Gun not included]

…

Sad Brontosaurus.
And sad writer …and reader…
*sigh*…Merry Sadmas.

…

Who invented this
robot arm to malfunction
and choke your life out?

…

Useless canine ghoul,
Someone rubbed your nose in sh**
Knick-knack, that is whack.

…

In the name of the
Holy Toast I pronounce you
buttered and tasty.

…

…

Haiku Wednesday: Photos With Santa

… And this one’s Jenny.
When I behead you girls you’ll
both be in row five.

 

Black socket Santas
trafficking confused children.
Yule wish you were safe. 

 

 Hey, Santa Wizard,
step away from the orphans
and calm your ‘stache, please.

 

 I hate sax music!
Make the imp go away, Dad!
Winter’s leprachaun!

 

 Cobwebbed Christmas trees
always unsettled Billy.
That, and killer toys.

 

 Prepped to eat Yoko,
Ogre Santa’s beard doubles
as a blood catcher.

 

Original LIFE slideshow photo source.

Haiku Wednesday: More Unexplainables

Basket case Billy;
Quick, someone slam the lid shut
and roll it downhill!

….

 A Morton Salt ad
for a tasty suckling Babe,
When it rains, it oinks.

….. 

Such conflicting props.
Quoth the raven, “Never horns!”
So David Lynch-esque.

 ….. 

THEY LIVE for judgment,
numbered female namelessness,
and torpedo boobs.

…..

 This teddy bear sucks.
I want one that’s de-clawed and
 de-kill-instinct-ed.

…..

Sleepwalkin’ creepy:
Where The (olde) Wild Things Are on
All Ambien’s Eve.

…..

James insisted on
a steampunk-themed photo and
Lynn’s pissed — can you tell?

…

…

Haiku Wednesday: A Halloween Ode to Horror

 
Legend of Zelda;
Anorexic PSA,
A pawn of the King.

…

 

 The sight of this clown
Makes me need to change my drawers…
They all float down here!

…
…

Overlook Furries,
Gimme some snort-hog lovin’!
You’re my caretaker ❤

…
…

I don’t feel so well.
Puppetmasta, puke fasta!
This grosses me out*

 *Actually grosses me out.

 

 

Leatherface Wanted:
Tall, must fill up a doorway,
cross-dress / skin sew soft.

…
…

Turn around, bright eyes.
The pow’r of soup compels you!
Hey, who wants split pea?

…
…

{Besties with Pinhead}
I have a HUGE toothbrush and
I floss with your fear.

…

…

Haiku Wednesday…On Thursday: Part Deux

Lenny the Bear laughs
at the photog’s disregard
for his fellow man.

…..

Put ‘em up, sweet cheeks,
this random bird cage is mine!
And stop with that grin!

…..

Lynn admires Ann
for her negative jean size;
“one day I’ll be thin…”

….

Boot! Get your boot here!
Did I mention it’s RUBBER?
And we deliver!

…

 Help, I got it stuck!!
And Clucky’s pecking at it!
Dad?… Dad! Quit laughing!

…

Bored Ostfront soldiers
put on the best talent shows
next to the outhouse.

…

…

Haiku Wednesday…On Thursday

These photos, originally posted in Buzzfeed, were brought to my attention by @goebejoe. Kudos to you, my friend, for stoking my haiku fire. I needed that. WARNING: a few may be unsuitable for younger readers.

Billy always hates
weekends at Satan’s…that’s some
court-ordered bullsh**.
…

Old-time Basket Case.
But Belial is polite
and snappily dressed.
…

Big Boss “Cheeks” Malone
has Miami by the balls.
Yeah. Now beat it, kid.
…

Lil’ Sarah Palin
hunts commies, armed with
misinformation.
…

Bubba hates pink food,
except hot pink sirloin strips
wrapped in pink bacon.
…

(Rattling along)
Top of the mourning to you,
my transparent friend.
…

Sally says to Sam:
Who’s ready for some good head?
Don’t all speak at once.
…

Team Lizzie Borden
wins Bloodiest Slaughter of
Innocents contest.

…

…

Haiku Wednesday: Classic Moments In Sports

Another head grows
filled with your noggin’s anger:
“Quatto of the brain”.

…

Pool your resources.
How’d the high dive contest go?
It went swimmingly.

…

Shot put of straining…
To push your skull through your face
or blow a throat node.

…

Overexcited
crazed orange musculature.
Sir, you scare me.

…

Winded mask-faced pro,
look like this ALL THE TIME and
I might watch tennis.

…

Red screams in mid-air
Stiffly dumped out of a chair
from Olympic heights.

…

…

Haiku Wednesday: Dream Parlors

You southern charmer!
Like Sooki’s home from TrueBlood.
Multi-textured warmth.

…

My medieval lust
flares hot at this chamber’s sight;
a fortress-sized “want”.

……

I dream of woodwork:
of ornate oak filigree…
and Persian rug fields.

…

A room with a Clue.
I’d study you all day long,
Nirvana of tomes.

…

Frosted angel cake –
the Marie Antoinette room;
Privilege in White.

…

Tell me a story,
of longing and dark fated
Great Expectations.

…

…

Haiku Wednesday: Funny Hats

Cigarettina,
Ash blonde Bogarted.
Huge side-of-head smoke.

…

A foul weather hat.
You’re in for a good roasting,
giblet-brained hipster.

…

Oh, here’s a good one.
Nice mustard-toned knit mustache…
Your mom must hate you.

…

Impressive sized bird.
This hat should be worn…always…
with black eyeliner.

…

He has film in mind,
to channel Rick James and stay
a Super Freak, yo.

…

Mittens is bitter.
My favorite flavor of cat,
sour face and all.

…

Haiku Wednesday: Scary Monkeys!

He soaked in terror.
Look into the eyes of doom
and see grinning death.

…

Scary flip-top head
Like a live dental dummy
to swallow you whole.

…

Canker sore monkey,
you wake and bake every day…
in between killings.

…

Denture-less and gray,
the naked old man monkey
listens to lectures.

…

Perma-80’s hair…
The Skid Row of your species.
God Thunderdomed you!

…

Skeletorium:
Double nightmare incarnate.
I just wet myself.

…

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