Haiku Wednesday: White Yankee Elephant Swap

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Festivus, and Merry Winter Solstice. However you decide to celebrate, may your gifts be better than these. And if you will be participating in what North Americans refer to as a White Elephant or Yankee Swap gift exchange, I hope you are able to stun your colleagues and constituents with gifts as random and disturbing as these.

 

Lucky Nuts Squirrel
gave up his feet for fashion.
They scratch my neck, though.

…

Domestic hero?
She represents WOMEN’S LIB!
 “Where’s my pot pie, bitch?”

…

Well, you’re a sad pair.
Don’t cry tears of da feet, just
slipper on, you two.

…

Big ‘billy Ammo:
Show ‘em all you’d go “postal”!
[Gun not included]

…

Sad Brontosaurus.
And sad writer …and reader…
*sigh*…Merry Sadmas.

…

Who invented this
robot arm to malfunction
and choke your life out?

…

Useless canine ghoul,
Someone rubbed your nose in sh**
Knick-knack, that is whack.

…

In the name of the
Holy Toast I pronounce you
buttered and tasty.

…

…

Haiku Wednesday: Photos With Santa

… And this one’s Jenny.
When I behead you girls you’ll
both be in row five.

 

Black socket Santas
trafficking confused children.
Yule wish you were safe. 

 

 Hey, Santa Wizard,
step away from the orphans
and calm your ‘stache, please.

 

 I hate sax music!
Make the imp go away, Dad!
Winter’s leprachaun!

 

 Cobwebbed Christmas trees
always unsettled Billy.
That, and killer toys.

 

 Prepped to eat Yoko,
Ogre Santa’s beard doubles
as a blood catcher.

 

Original LIFE slideshow photo source.

Haiku Wednesday: A Halloween Ode to Horror

 
Legend of Zelda;
Anorexic PSA,
A pawn of the King.

…

 

 The sight of this clown
Makes me need to change my drawers…
They all float down here!

…
…

Overlook Furries,
Gimme some snort-hog lovin’!
You’re my caretaker ❤

…
…

I don’t feel so well.
Puppetmasta, puke fasta!
This grosses me out*

 *Actually grosses me out.

 

 

Leatherface Wanted:
Tall, must fill up a doorway,
cross-dress / skin sew soft.

…
…

Turn around, bright eyes.
The pow’r of soup compels you!
Hey, who wants split pea?

…
…

{Besties with Pinhead}
I have a HUGE toothbrush and
I floss with your fear.

…

…

Haiku Wednesday…On Thursday: Part Deux

Lenny the Bear laughs
at the photog’s disregard
for his fellow man.

…..

Put ‘em up, sweet cheeks,
this random bird cage is mine!
And stop with that grin!

…..

Lynn admires Ann
for her negative jean size;
“one day I’ll be thin…”

….

Boot! Get your boot here!
Did I mention it’s RUBBER?
And we deliver!

…

 Help, I got it stuck!!
And Clucky’s pecking at it!
Dad?… Dad! Quit laughing!

…

Bored Ostfront soldiers
put on the best talent shows
next to the outhouse.

…

…

Haiku Wednesday: Classic Moments In Sports

Another head grows
filled with your noggin’s anger:
“Quatto of the brain”.

…

Pool your resources.
How’d the high dive contest go?
It went swimmingly.

…

Shot put of straining…
To push your skull through your face
or blow a throat node.

…

Overexcited
crazed orange musculature.
Sir, you scare me.

…

Winded mask-faced pro,
look like this ALL THE TIME and
I might watch tennis.

…

Red screams in mid-air
Stiffly dumped out of a chair
from Olympic heights.

…

…

Haiku Wednesday: Funny Hats

Cigarettina,
Ash blonde Bogarted.
Huge side-of-head smoke.

…

A foul weather hat.
You’re in for a good roasting,
giblet-brained hipster.

…

Oh, here’s a good one.
Nice mustard-toned knit mustache…
Your mom must hate you.

…

Impressive sized bird.
This hat should be worn…always…
with black eyeliner.

…

He has film in mind,
to channel Rick James and stay
a Super Freak, yo.

…

Mittens is bitter.
My favorite flavor of cat,
sour face and all.

…

Haiku Wednesday: Farm Animals

Nature’s Rufinol…
predators’ insta-dinner:
Evolution failed?

…

Cinnamon sidekick,
you can make it on your own,
cuteness sustains you.

….

Why the white biscuits?
Horses come with built-in hooves,
you don’t need shoes.

…

Dearest llama mop,
I want to braid your hair and
make a fort in it.

…

Janet Jackson mane,
Black Beauty runs like a breeze…
a very light breeze.

…

Huggable equines;
Russian nesting doll horses.
Where’s the next smallest?

…

…

Haiku Wednesday: Awkward Photos

This post is dedicated to one of my favorite time-wasting websites: AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com. This is one of those sites that sucks you in and you have to pull yourself away from it. These few photos are from that site and if you like to laugh (who doesn’t?) I recommend going there AFTER reading these haikus = )

…

White Easter Death Hare.
One bite and off comes her head!
See the disposed kid?

….

The outcast grandma!
A forest preserve portrait
with what look like clones.

….

“Regret” by Kodak.
Before Gaga’s raw steak dress…
Bacon brothers ruled.

….

Jenny’s RenFaire Hell:
Dad’s a giant horse’s ass.
Mom’s a tatted ho.

….

The Shining “furry”?
I give you Exhibit A:
from D.C.F.S.

….

Grilled lower body
brings the Johnsons together.
I need an adult.

…

…

Haiku Wednesday: Bad Taxidermy

This post is dedicated to another website that I find both entertaining and unsettling: Crappy Taxidermy. These photos are all from this delightfully horrifying site.

 

Rabid Ol’ Yeller
Dive bombing all of us.
Get my rifle, son.

…..

Disturbs me so much
Texas Chainsaw Massacre…
Scots and goats don’t mix.

…..

The eye in the sky,
A Canon raven zooms in.
Nevermore, my head.

…..

Big-headed Tigger,
You look like you are gonna
Come out of the booth.

…..

Dogs playing poker,
Rico Suave playing gin,
In his deer fashion.

…..

Smiling stiff doom,
Toothy decor for your room.
I’ll club you myself.

…..

Haiku Wednesday Part I

Haikus are pretty interesting forms of word art. A refresher of the rules: Haiku is one of the most important form of traditinal Japanese poetry. Haiku is a 17-syllable verse form consisting of three metrical units of 5, 7, and 5 syllables. They can be created around anything…and to prove my point I have written the following haikus around a few random images for your viewing pleasure on this beautiful Wednesday.

I'd rather stab my eyes out.

Oh redneckery
Left turns for eight hours
Someone kill me now
—————–

A scene from the last act of Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye movie.

Mob husband gets mad
Table turner skyscraper
Ledge walks to the end
—————–

 

Johann Heinrich Füssli's 1802 oil painting "Nachtmahr"

 Monkey nightmare fuel
That jerk horse stands idly by
Please get off my chest
—————–

 

I can’t even look at this photograph for very long.

Teeth to eat my soul
Stop looking at me right now
Nuke it from orbit
—————–

I encourage you to join in on the fun. Please comment your own haiku on this post along with a link to the related image if applicable. 

Want more haikus? Check out these resources:

A Haiku Poem Blog

Morden Haiku Poetry

Haiku Pause