Haiku Wednesday: White Yankee Elephant Swap

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Festivus, and Merry Winter Solstice. However you decide to celebrate, may your gifts be better than these. And if you will be participating in what North Americans refer to as a White Elephant or Yankee Swap gift exchange, I hope you are able to stun your colleagues and constituents with gifts as random and disturbing as these.

 

Lucky Nuts Squirrel
gave up his feet for fashion.
They scratch my neck, though.

…

Domestic hero?
She represents WOMEN’S LIB!
 “Where’s my pot pie, bitch?”

…

Well, you’re a sad pair.
Don’t cry tears of da feet, just
slipper on, you two.

…

Big ‘billy Ammo:
Show ‘em all you’d go “postal”!
[Gun not included]

…

Sad Brontosaurus.
And sad writer …and reader…
*sigh*…Merry Sadmas.

…

Who invented this
robot arm to malfunction
and choke your life out?

…

Useless canine ghoul,
Someone rubbed your nose in sh**
Knick-knack, that is whack.

…

In the name of the
Holy Toast I pronounce you
buttered and tasty.

…

…

Haiku Wednesday: Photos With Santa

… And this one’s Jenny.
When I behead you girls you’ll
both be in row five.

 

Black socket Santas
trafficking confused children.
Yule wish you were safe. 

 

 Hey, Santa Wizard,
step away from the orphans
and calm your ‘stache, please.

 

 I hate sax music!
Make the imp go away, Dad!
Winter’s leprachaun!

 

 Cobwebbed Christmas trees
always unsettled Billy.
That, and killer toys.

 

 Prepped to eat Yoko,
Ogre Santa’s beard doubles
as a blood catcher.

 

Original LIFE slideshow photo source.

Haiku Wednesday: Ugly Rennaissance Babies

Thanks to my pal Kristy for pointing out the source of these photos: http://uglyrenaissancebabies.tumblr.com/

And if you like poetry, please visit my friend Tom’s latest poetry blog at http://contentedunderpressure.wordpress.com/

..

Timberlake-haired tot
With the sharp bird beak nose, please
cover your wee junk.

…

Zombie angel ghouls
bite and devour Jesus Christ.
He tastes Heavenly!

…

Frida Kahlo-esque.
“Stare into my black deadlights.”
— Joyless baby man.

…

What! Babies can’t read.
Her fingers do the walking,
each broken and bent.

…

Eye Baggage Central!
Mom holds baby, baby holds…
a random orange.

…

Long torso-ed Jesus;
Born a 10-year-old to the
extra long-necked Mary.

…

Does this bug you, Mom?
[Mom could use a good stiff drink.]
Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

…

Shrinking face disease.
Mistaken double penis.
Got my eyes on you.

…

…

Haiku Wednesday: More Unexplainables

Basket case Billy;
Quick, someone slam the lid shut
and roll it downhill!

….

 A Morton Salt ad
for a tasty suckling Babe,
When it rains, it oinks.

….. 

Such conflicting props.
Quoth the raven, “Never horns!”
So David Lynch-esque.

 ….. 

THEY LIVE for judgment,
numbered female namelessness,
and torpedo boobs.

…..

 This teddy bear sucks.
I want one that’s de-clawed and
 de-kill-instinct-ed.

…..

Sleepwalkin’ creepy:
Where The (olde) Wild Things Are on
All Ambien’s Eve.

…..

James insisted on
a steampunk-themed photo and
Lynn’s pissed — can you tell?

…

…

Haiku Wednesday…On Thursday: Part Deux

Lenny the Bear laughs
at the photog’s disregard
for his fellow man.

…..

Put ‘em up, sweet cheeks,
this random bird cage is mine!
And stop with that grin!

…..

Lynn admires Ann
for her negative jean size;
“one day I’ll be thin…”

….

Boot! Get your boot here!
Did I mention it’s RUBBER?
And we deliver!

…

 Help, I got it stuck!!
And Clucky’s pecking at it!
Dad?… Dad! Quit laughing!

…

Bored Ostfront soldiers
put on the best talent shows
next to the outhouse.

…

…

Haiku Wednesday: Unright Animals

Long legged nightmare;
opposable thumbs AND fangs
to gnaw your life off.

…

Pudgy and swinging,
you are cute except for your
sharky black deadlights.

…

Ironic Dog gang,
fast food is made from collies.
I’m not lovin’ it.

…

Wolves French kiss all wrong…
Bite my face off why don’t you!
I can see your lunch.

…

Soul-shredding monkey!
What’s with the dude wearing the
fuzzy dog slippers?

…

Obscene nose AND mouth!
God’s sense of humor: e.g.
flesh-toned sex faced apes.

…

…

Haiku Wednesday: Old Timey Kids

Due to popular demand, Haiku Wednesday will be a re-occurring feature. This week’s series is dedicated to old timey kid photos.

 

 New sheriff in town
I pushed Humpty Dumpty off
This is my wall, bitch.

 

 

 You looking at me?
Don’t make me come off this chair
I’ll tune you up, son.

 

 

 Hey, it’s Lloyd Christmas!

Scissors and a soup bowl make

the haircut of shame.

 

 

Chunkified baby
Stores terror in her huge cheeks
Get in my belly.

 

 

 Dressed like a VP
Gift basket of dead flowers
Worst birthday ever.

 

 

 Lil girl linebacker
Holds bosomy doll of death
Don’t make eye contact.

 

 

Future pole dancer
Too many sexual jokes
So churn, baby, churn.

 

Wagon doll is dead
No clean pants – a skirt for Jim
Anne plots more murder.

 

 

Haiku Wednesday Part I

Haikus are pretty interesting forms of word art. A refresher of the rules: Haiku is one of the most important form of traditinal Japanese poetry. Haiku is a 17-syllable verse form consisting of three metrical units of 5, 7, and 5 syllables. They can be created around anything…and to prove my point I have written the following haikus around a few random images for your viewing pleasure on this beautiful Wednesday.

I'd rather stab my eyes out.

Oh redneckery
Left turns for eight hours
Someone kill me now
—————–

A scene from the last act of Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye movie.

Mob husband gets mad
Table turner skyscraper
Ledge walks to the end
—————–

 

Johann Heinrich Füssli's 1802 oil painting "Nachtmahr"

 Monkey nightmare fuel
That jerk horse stands idly by
Please get off my chest
—————–

 

I can’t even look at this photograph for very long.

Teeth to eat my soul
Stop looking at me right now
Nuke it from orbit
—————–

I encourage you to join in on the fun. Please comment your own haiku on this post along with a link to the related image if applicable. 

Want more haikus? Check out these resources:

A Haiku Poem Blog

Morden Haiku Poetry

Haiku Pause

The Creepy Company We Keep

In 2005 my husband and I received a frantic emergency call at 9:00pm from our friends Tom and Colleen. We needed to check eBay stat!

 

What we saw put us into such hysterics of tearful laughter that it was imperative that we have this item. The intrinsic humor value was too high to pass by.

The two of us couples won the auction and split the $175 price tag with the verbal agreement of joint custody. And soon Gary the gaping mouth mannequin boy arrived.

To the “waste-of-money” chortles of both of our families, Gary’s presence has endured through two households, two weddings, Christmases, Halloweens, and various other photo opportunities. He is a giant, posable, dressable conversation piece.

When my husband and I had first visitation of Gary, we’d kept him in our living room, I’d walk into the living room from the kitchen, let’s say, and nearly pee myself because I’d forgotten about him being there – this happened 10x a day. Countless times has Gary been the pawn in practical jokes: often being quietly placed in the rooms of sleeping house guests and posed in the front room windows. Through the years his quiet bravado, sassy tilt of the head, and uncanny ability to maintain the same weight has kept us all enamored and intrigued. He’s a friend and a confidant.

Click Here To Friend Gary on Facebook!

The four of us responsible for Gary realize that his acquisition speaks more about us all then it does him. And he has served as a sort of friend litmus test as well; because hey, if you are too cool for school to hang with Gary, the rest of us probably aren’t for you, either. So this post is dedicated to that creepy mannequin art that offers jolts of surprise, laughs, raised eyebrows, and photos year after year.

Gary Lights Up the Neighborhood at Christmas

 

Gary Loves All Things Latin, Too

Guidance? Right This Way

Hes a Real Cut Up at Halloween

He is a HUGE FAN of Bob Marley

Gary is a Certified Zombie Survivalist and Lounge Pants Enthusiast

The Life of the Party

An Entertainer at Weddings

 

If you think Gary would make a good addition to your circle of friends, I’m sure he’d be delighted if you friended him on Facebook.